Some things are truly unexpected

Maybe it's just me. But from time to time, so many unexpected things come your way. I don't normally write in a journal... but what's wrong if you do? Now's as good a time as any to start I guess...

Insomnia is a real killer. Every bone in my body aches of fatigue and weariness, yet I can't seem to find the strength to lie down and just fall asleep. It's like there's so much to do, yet I can't find what it is I'm yearning to accomplish. I know it's all in my head, but to me, it seems that I'm living such an unfulfilled life. I have all I'd ever need... a roof above my head, someone to love immensly who loves back probably just as much, enough blessings and material wealth to last me the rest of this lifetime... but there's a tug in my soul. Like a question that's hanging at the back of my throat, some uncomfortable thing at the roof of my mouth that you keep tounging until it becomes sore. I can't sleep because the question is clear... and the answer eludes me. Is this what I want in life? Is this God's plan?

I've never been much of a devout Catholic... I used to be though. Don't get me wrong, I believe that there's a God... some source of life, some unseen, supreme thing that is the root of all things in existence. But I've never believed in the system... I've never believed in the church, where so many hypocrites congregate to praise God, while the kids on the street starve, flesh hanging from their bones. After singing their Alleluias and Our Fathers they come back out into the world and completely ignore the hapless souls lined up on hell's maw... fuck them. Fuck me for being one of them. Fuck this soulless government where corruption runs amuck, where fucking pigs in government worry about how to save one life on some foreign soil while hundreds upon thousands of our brothers scrape, claw and tear to make a decent living in this pathetic existence they call life. I am blessed yes, but everytime I go out into the street, I don't see it.

I didn't use to be like this. Once I was so full of hope. I remember, whenever I went out and saw the kids on the street, begging me for change, I always had a sandwich or two tucked away just for them. I never showed this to anyone... only one person ever saw me do this... and she said she was truly impressed. I wasn't trying to impress her... it was just the way I was...

Was...

Now I've grown numb, unfeeling, angry. What changed me? I don't know.

All I know is I can't sleep and I haven't celebrated mass for years. I pray constantly, fervently even... but even that I guess is not enough. Fuck these demons in my head, fuck the uncertainty, fuck the questions of purpose.

I once believed I could make a difference in this world. Now, I don't know. I truly honestly don't know.